I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
