Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
