I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
