and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
