slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
