My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
