That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Your penis caused this!
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