I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
