There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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