every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
