Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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