I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
She needs sedatives and a leash
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I know her cup size but not her name....
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