He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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