dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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