saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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