i don't like sucking hair
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
