i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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