i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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