I got chris browned last night
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
