I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
