You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
