The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
