I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
