Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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