I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
