i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
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Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
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Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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