just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.