Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.