New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
