She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
