what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Randomize
