dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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