what day is it and did you see me today?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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