i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
