you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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