I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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