Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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