I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
