You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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