thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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