Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
