With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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