Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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