after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
it's like iHOP with fire
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
