i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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