Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
