i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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