my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Randomize
