genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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