i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
