the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
