textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
