He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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