She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
