I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
