Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
