i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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