So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
