the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
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