I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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