Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
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At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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