Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
