Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
