I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
