DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
