She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
