Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
wakey wakey hands off snakey
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
