be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
